1. “Hey, Smails! My dinghy’s bigger than your whole boat!” ~ Al Czervik
2. “Go shave your ass!” ~ Joey D’Annunzio
3. “Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. A man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint.” ~ Carl Spackler
4. “Well. We’re waiting.” ~ Judge Smails
5. “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the complete and opposite direction.” ~ Ty Webb
6. “Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?” – Lacey Underall
7. “Danny, see your future. Be your future.” ~ Ty Webb
8. “Don’t be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, ‘A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole is a Danish.’ He was a funny guy.” ~ Ty Webb
9. “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!” ~ Al Czervik
10. “I have to laugh, because I’ve outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I’ve gotta get inside this guy’s pelt and crawl around for a few days.” ~ Carl Spackler
11. “Forget the massage. Okay? And just kiss me, you fool.” ~ Lacey Underall
12. “We have a pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you.” ~ Ty Webb
13. “The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.” ~ Al Czervik
14. “You know, I’ve often thought of becoming a golf club.” ~ Motormouth
15. “I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.” ~ Ty Webb
16. “Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You’re not being the ball, Danny.” ~ Ty Webb
17. “Don’t sell yourself, short Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch.” ~ Ty Webb
18. “You’ll get nothing, and like it!” ~ Judge Smails
19. “Let’s go, while we’re young!” ~ Al Czervik
20. “Bless this ship and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.” ~ Mrs. Smails
21. “Are you kiddin’? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!” ~ Al Czervik
22. “With the market these days if you own anything but land you own a popcorn farm.” ~ Al Czervik
23. “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. But I have a beard, so I got that going for me, which is nice.” ~ Carl Spackler
24. “How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?” – Judge Smails
25. “Don’t you people have homes?” – Judge Smails
26. “Remember Danny – Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.” ~ Ty Webb
27. “No one likes a tattletale, Danny… except, of course, me.” ~ Ty Webb
28. “It’s not my fault nobody can understand what you’re saying.” ~ Carl Spackler
29. “Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know… credit trouble.” ~ Carl Spackler
30. “I have to laugh.” ~ Carl Spackler
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