Top 90 Funny Love Quotes for Her and Him

1. “Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Franklin P. Jones

2. “I promise to always cop a feel when you’re trying to get ready in the morning.” – Upton O. Goode

3. “Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.” – Fulton J. Sheen

4. “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” – Hussein Nishah

5. “When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own.” – Lenore Coffee

6. “Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills.” – Jessica Martin

7. “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde

8. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

9. “People should fall in love with their eyes closed.” – Andy Warhol

10. “You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.” – Melanie Clark

11. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock

12. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

13. “I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.” – Dave Attell

14. “I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it.” – Gerry Attrick

15. “I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, ‘And another thing …’” — Felicia Michaels

16. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

17. “I love you and it’s getting worse.” – Joseph E. Morris

18. “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling

19. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford

20. “If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards.” – J.A. Redmerski

21. “As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May

22. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

23. “I was like, ‘Am I gay? Am I straight?’ And I realized… I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?” — Margaret Cho

24. “Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Professor Irwin Corey

25. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” – Tim Allen

26. “My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me… Never getting it back.” – Refinnej Sin

27. “Who wears the pants in our relationship? We prefer it when neither of us are wearing pants.” – Felix Cited

28. “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

29. “I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.” – Holly Wood

30. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

31. “Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.” – Bree Luckey

32. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” – Albert bEinstein

33. “If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” – Fran Lebowitz

34. “I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’” – Amy Schumer

35. “Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” – David Sedaris

36. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years — then we met.”

37. “The bravest thing that men do is love women.” – Mort Sahl

38. “I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” – Mindy Kaling

39. People should fall in love with their eyes closed.” – Andy Warhol

40. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Thomas Dewar

41. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

42. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” – Richard Pryor

43. “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you.” – Iona Mink

44. “A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” – Les Dawson

45. “The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.” – Chuck Palahniuk

46. “Women love a self-confident bald man.” – Larry David

47. “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” – Blaise Pascal

48. “If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.” – Alan King

49. “Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms.” – J. P. Senn

50. “You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps.” – Roseanne Barr

51. “I promise to love you, respect you, support you, and above all else, make sure I’m not just yelling at you because I’m hungry.” – Gladys Canby

52. “I love you even more than I am annoyed by you. Which is a lot.” – Brighton Early

53. ​18. “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” – Richard Jeni​​

54. “The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” – Milton Berle

55. “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” – Carroll Bryant

56. “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” – Elie Wiesel

57. “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

58. “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” – Bill Maher

59. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero

60. “True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.” – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

61. “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” – Jules Renard

62. “I promise to always be by your side. Or under you. Or on top.” – Joe King

63. “Love is being stupid together.” – Paul Valery

64. “The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

65. “What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” – Cindy Garner

66. “I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” – Russell Brand

67. “My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.” – Ray Romano

68. “A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt.” – Spanish Proverb

69. “I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.” – Emma Nate

70. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke

71. “What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner

72. “If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” – Chelsea Peretti

73. “I love you in a way that’s nauseating to others.” – Dinah Mite

74. “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” – Erich Segal

75. “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

76. “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” – Woody Allen

77. “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride” ― Pablo Neruda

78. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” – Charles Schultz

79. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” – Megan Mullally

80. “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” – Lucille Ball

81. “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” ― Sharon Stone

82. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

83. “Love is the same as like except you feel sexier.” – Judith Viorst

84. “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” – Elizabeth Taylor

85. “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

86. “Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing.” – Helen Rowland

87. Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West

88. “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle

89. “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” – John Green

90. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” ― Lily Tomlin

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