1. “If you pick up a ukulele, it will make you unbelievably happy.” – Bette Midler
2. “I’m looking for something that gives me a chance to stretch. Because I have my own work, and I can do anything I want in my own work – juggle, tap dance, anything I want.” – Bette Midler
3. “Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.” – Bette Midler
4. “Total contentment is only for cows.” – Bette Midler
5. “I’m working my way toward divinity.” – Bette Midler
6. “GOD is watching us, from a Distance…” – Bette Midler
7. “I didn’t belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I’d known that one day my differentness would be an asset, then my early life would have been much easier.” – Bette Midler
8. “My whole life had been spent waiting for an epiphany, a manifestation of God’s presence, the kind of transcendent, magical experience that lets you see your place in the big picture. And that is what I had with my first [compost] heap.” – Bette Midler
9. “If somebody makes me laugh, I’m his slave for life.” – Bette Midler
10. “Sometimes my brain goes on CD shuffle. You know, you put a bunch of CD’s on and hit play and random things come out.” – Bette Midler
11. “It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.” – Bette Midler
12. “I read neither good nor bad about me. I let it not even in my life, so it has no effect on me. I am very sensitive.” – Bette Midler
13. “Men’s brains are smaller than those of women so they can fit into their penises.” – Bette Midler
14. “Find your Light; They can’t love you if they can’t see you” – Bette Midler
15. “If I don’t feel right about what I’m in, I don’t feel right about anything.” – Bette Midler
16. “I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.” – Bette Midler
17. “I got so far away from what they told you in acting class: Do something different. Producers kept offering me the ‘Sister Act’ movie, but I said, ‘My fans don’t want to see me in a wimple.’ I literally said, ‘My fans don’t want to see me in a wimple.’” – Bette Midler
18. “When it’s three o’clock in New York, it’s still 1938 in London.” – Bette Midler
19. “Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, I’ll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?” – Bette Midler
20. “Enough about me. What do you think about me?” – Bette Midler
21. “I celebrate everyone’s religious holidays. if it’s good enough for the righteous, it’s good enough for the self-righteous, I always say.” – Bette Midler
22. “People are not the best because they work hard. They work hard because they are the best.” – Bette Midler
23. “If you wants something done, you’d better do it yourself – or ask another woman to do it.” – Bette Midler
24. “Self-esteem is something you have to earn! The only way to achieve self-esteem is to work hard. People have an obligation to live up to their potential.” – Bette Midler
25. “I firmly believe that with the right footwear one can rule the world.” – Bette Midler
26. “The outside world doesn’t have a lot to offer. You have to make your own heaven in your own home.” – Bette Midler
27. “It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won’t be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.” – Bette Midler
28. “I want it all – and I would like it delivered.” – Bette Midler
29. “I never know how much of what I say is true.” – Bette Midler
30. “Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.” – Bette Midler
31. “After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler
32. “Cherish forever what makes you unique.” – Bette Midler
33. “I have my standards. They’re low, but I have them.” – Bette Midler
34. “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke!” – Bette Midler
35. “I’m so glad to be back in New York. Los Angeles can be so cold, so cruel after you’ve been-what’s the word?-oh yes: ‘fired.’” – Bette Midler
36. “I can get plenty of men, keeping them is the hard part.” – Bette Midler
37. “My parents taught me: Do not rely on a man. Not rely on it that you get married and it pays for you. That’s what I figured. I have always paid my own bills.” – Bette Midler
38. “The worst part of success is to try finding someone who is happy for you.” – Bette Midler
39. “I try not to drink too much because when I’m drunk, I bite.” – Bette Midler
40. “I feel like a million tonight – but one at a time.” – Bette Midler
41. “I love nature, in spite of what it did to me.” – Bette Midler
42. “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” – Bette Midler
43. “Cherish forever what makes you unique, ’cuz you’re really a yawn if it goes.” – Bette Midler
44. “Just remember, during the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, that there’s a seed that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes a rose.” – Bette Midler
45. “Writing a book is not as tough as it is to haul thirty-five people around the country and sweat like a horse five nights a week.” – Bette Midler
46. “I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.” – Bette Midler
47. “A lot of people have no access to beauty. When I was growing up, my mother had only a few pretty things to look at.” – Bette Midler
48. “Make sure your life is a rare entertainment! It doesn’t take anything drastic. You needn’t be gorgeous or wealthy or smart, just very enthusiastic!” – Bette Midler
49. “It’s the one who won’t be taken that cannot seem to give, and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.” – Bette Midler
50. “Through books and photographs, I saw a world that was not my own—and I realized that there was another world. That’s why I’m concerned about education, because it helps our children see other worlds.” – Bette Midler
51. “I haven’t left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection! Either way we’re screwed!” – Bette Midler
52. “I always try to balance the light with the heavy – a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes.” – Bette Midler
53. “People have an obligation to live up to their potential.” – Bette Midler
54. “If you’re passionate about something, then you should pick up your flag and run with it.” – Bette Midler
55. “Education is my next big thing. When music and art were taken out of the schools, I went berserk!” – Bette Midler
56. “If you can accept your differentness and learn to love it and encourage it, then you can be someone wonderful.” – Bette Midler
57. “I wouldn’t say I invented tacky, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity.” – Bette Midler
58. “When you have a steady job you’re more inspired to broaden yourself.” – Bette Midler
59. “I sold my soul to rock and roll.” – Bette Midler
60. “I hope to keep entertaining in some way until I can’t physically entertain any longer. It’s what I was born to do, and I love this profession.” – Bette Midler
61. “If only I’d known my differentness would be an asset, then my earlier life would have been much easier.” – Bette Midler
62. “My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.” – Bette Midler
63. “GOD is watching us, from a Distance…” – Bette Midler