1. “Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.” – Lily Tomlin
2. “If you can’t be direct, why be?” – Lily Tomlin
3. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
4. “I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.” – Lily Tomlin
5. “Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket – The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
6. “Well, if I can be of any help at all, you are in worse trouble than I thought.” – Lily Tomlin
7. “We’re all in this together alone.” – Lily Tomlin
8. “Infinity is just time on an ego trip.” – Lily Tomlin
9. “I think life is perverse. It can be beautiful, but it won’t.” – Lily Tomlin
10. “Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?” – Lily Tomlin
11. “If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?” – Lily Tomlin
12. “Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest – then we can all die laughing.” – Lily Tomlin
13. “If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.” – Lily Tomlin
14. “Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Lily Tomlin
15. “Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?” – Lily Tomlin
16. “For fast-acting relief try slowing down.” – Lily Tomlin
17. “We’re all in this together – by ourselves.” – Lily Tomlin
18. “Wouldn’t it be great if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of nurses, firemen, and ballerinas.” – Lily Tomlin
19. “So if you’ve had a good time tonight, or if you’ve had a good time any night, for gosh sake’s why not drop a dollar in the mail to me?” – Lily Tomlin
20. “Remember we’re all in this alone.” – Lily Tomlin
21. “The best mind altering drug is the truth.” – Lily Tomlin
22. “Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.” – Lily Tomlin
23. “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” – Lily Tomlin
24. “Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.” – Lily Tomlin
25. “No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up.” – Lily Tomlin
26. “Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying—but when God talks to us, we’re said to be schizophrenic?” – Lily Tomlin
27. “It’s my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.” – Lily Tomlin
28. “Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.” – Lily Tomlin
29. “Just remember. We’re all in this alone.” – Lily Tomlin
30. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” – Lily Tomlin
31. “Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.” – Lily Tomlin
32. “We are people with lives, not consumers with lifestyles.” – Lily Tomlin
33. “Exercise is for people who can’t handle drugs or alcohol.” – Lily Tomlin
34. “Growing up in Michigan was fine…until I realized where I was.” – Lily Tomlin
35. “If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.” – Lily Tomlin
36. “Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.” – Lily Tomlin
37. “Maybe if people started to listen, history would stop repeating itself.” – Lily Tomlin
38. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin
39. “Truth is, I’ve always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.” – Lily Tomlin
40. “Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.” – Lily Tomlin
41. “What if it’s boring – or if it’s not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring.” – Lily Tomlin
42. “We’re all in this alone.” – Lily Tomlin
43. “We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.” – Lily Tomlin
44. “What goes up must come down. But don’t expect it to come down where you can find it.” – Lily Tomlin
45. “I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
46. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
47. “I said “Somebody should do something about that.” Then I realized I am somebody.” – Lily Tomlin
48. “After all, in private, we’re all misfits” – Lily Tomlin
49. “Every day I read the newspapers, and no matter how cynical I get, it’s imposssible to keep up.” – Lily Tomlin
50. “If life is so meaningless, then why are we always bringing it up?” – Lily Tomlin
51. “Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.” – Lily Tomlin
52. “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
53. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin
54. “Even when you win the rat race , you’re still a rat .” – Lily Tomlin
55. “The start to a better world is the belief that it is possible.” – Lily Tomlin
56. “I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it’s much too confining.” – Lily Tomlin
57. “Carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man” – Lily Tomlin
58. “I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” – Lily Tomlin
59. “All my life I always wanted to be someone. I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
60. “I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.” – Lily Tomlin
61. “The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
62. “What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains.” – Lily Tomlin
63. “If you can’t be direct, why be?” – Lily Tomlin