1. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn’t met me yet.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
2. “When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
3. “A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
4. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
5. “I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no’.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
6. “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
7. “I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
8. “Marriage. It’s not a word. It’s a sentence.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
9. “I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
10. “When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
11. “Yeah, I know I’m ugly. I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’” – Rodney Dangerfield
12. “I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
13. “When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.’” – Rodney Dangerfield
14. “At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world. But he knows he can’t.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
15. “There’s only one thing wrong with my wife’s face – it shows.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
16. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
17. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
18. “Life is just a bowl of pits.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
19. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional. The knife had butter on it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
20. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
21. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
22. “I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
23. “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
